Two and a half years ago, if someone had told me that I would find myself wanting a companion, I would have laughed. I proudly totted my independence flag, scoffing at engagement announcements, the dating scene and all things “couple.” Why share my life with someone when I can do as I please without having to consult anyone? I confidently went to weddings, birthday parties, concert performances, theatre productions, musical appearances alone; sometimes accompanied by a friend who didn’t want to attend stag, but mostly alone.
The need to be a pair didn’t exist within me. I had no desire for it. At the time the majority was single so chances of running into a pair were slim. It was fun, meet up with a group of friends and socialize. Maybe one or two couples existed, maybe. Weddings were few, babies were fewer. Wave one of the pairing off/baby making had come to a much needed end and people were enjoying the next phase in life. Especially me. I discovered my passion and honed in on my career aspirations. I readjusted my focus in school and with my little one enrolled in the beginnings of primary education pieces were falling nicely into place.
I was a part of Wave 1. I accepted the end of my relationship and decided the shit was overrated anyway. Independent in nature, I figured it was best to leave well enough alone. I discovered I was happier alone anyway. Being borderline type A with a preference for solitude, having sole parental decision making and choosing the path of my own life how I saw fit was a welcomed change.
From where I stood, my life was fabulous. The chapter I was creating was shaping up nicely and my long term career goals were being given a solid foundation.
With my “solidarity sister” and “who needs a man” mantra he walked through my door; tall, with an athletic build and beautiful eyes. Summer beginning to close and I was not safe from my carnal emotions. What started out as animalistic desire grew into companionship. The months to follow came and went at rapid speed. As the beginning of summer came around again, I found myself wanting more, but the feelings were not mutual. At the time, I was ok with the companionship coming to an end. Life comes in waves, some people were not meant to be in each other’s lives forever.
I dove head first into work; cleaning out offices and making way for a new program year to begin. Head first seemed the only way to go and I successfully shed a lot of unwanted work weight.
In September as the weather began to cool and the need to slow my life down and relax began to take over I felt a snippet of a void. I, being the good daughter of a military/law enforcement man, suppressed that snippet and began preparing for what autumn will bring.
In our house autumn brings the anniversary of my son’s life as well as the celebration of Halloween, Dia de los Muerertos, Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Boxing Day, Kwanza and several Grandparent birthdays. I love planning events and celebrations in my private life. I love honoring all the cultures and people that help make this nation great. Planning and organizing events is a passion of mine.
With Autumn I do the most recreational reading. There’s something about a cold, windy, sunny day that makes me want to curl up on the couch with the natural light of the sun seeping in and read a book.
I gladly accepted these seasonal traditions, not realizing I was using them as an excuse to ignore the snippet of a void. But as New Year’s Eve approached and I had no immediate plans, I was beginning to recognize that void as loneliness. I realized that having a companion, one specifically for me, was fabulous. Enjoying life with another person, in a non-friendship sort of way, was wonderful.
I came to this realization, with the New Year that was starring me in the face, and noticed it was filled with weddings and baby-showers nearly every month (and in some cases two or three a month.) By the time my birthday rolled around [March] I was a lonely little pea still happily going stag to performances and shows.
When spring sprung, I was a lonely little pea going stag wishing for a companion to accompany me on my weekly breakfast outing. Not only that, my spring was filled with events for my child and performances, shows, movies and celebrations that I wanted to share with someone. It didn’t have to be a special person, just someone that I was connected to on some romantic level.
With the beginning of Summer I discovered, I was it. Everyone was paired off. I was the lonely little pea that was permanently stag because everyone else had paired off in the inevitable evolutionary way. One unusually cool night in May, my dear friend and I were out celebrating her final year in her 20’s and she politely reminded me that we are in the boat together. We discussed ways to make changes in our lives; positive forward moving changes. We were surrounded by people who were getting married, having babies, moving out of state for new and fabulous jobs, moving out of town for graduate school and what we were doing, drinking in a bar on a Sunday night pondering what should come next.
I decided I should try to change aspects of my life I can control. I quickly applied to transfer to an online school that offered a BA degree in Creative Writing. I had been held hostage for years at the local community college because of available/unavailable/required classes. Ten years was too much time to spend in community college. Normal people, linear thinking people, would hold a PhD by this point of the educational career. Not me, not I can’t-find-the-box-to-fit-into-so-I’ll-follow-this-shinny-thing-down-the-road-for-awhile-me. I am not organized by nature; this is a trait that came in my mid-twenties. It takes a great deal of discipline for me to be organized. I am very good at it, but it certainly does not come easy for me.
Recently, a friend of mine noted that I am “too” independent. I have been mulling this over in my mind since. Is my appearance of independence a threat? I should hope not. I am in no rush to settle down, get married and pop out more babies; which apparently is the opposite mantra for 27+ available women. Times running out! Must get married! Your eggs are only good for so long! I know much of this “advice” is specific to the city in which I live.
I was fine with my independence; still am in fact. Now that I have had a taste of life with a companion, one that actually wants to spend time as a “we” it would be nice to have a little taste of that again. It would be safe to say my sensitivity to this topic is heightened do to the number of weddings and babies that are being produced this year. I will continue to wear my single-independent female badge. I earned it with pride. And I will gladly accept all the joy this life brings me, expected and otherwise. Maybe this void will pass. For all I know, next year could bring loads of painful divorce, infertility and university drop outs.
I will miss those of the library staff who have smiled at me for years and made an effort to say good morning, or get to know me in the littlest ways. 