A woman's value
is not dependent
on a man's
opinion
Thursday, December 9, 2010
To Marry or Not to Marry
I guess being so young and naïve (sarcasm) I am not sure if I believe in the institution of marriage. I don’t see the benefit. Marriage does not love anymore. Marriage is a contract, plain and simple. I had expected something different from this article. I understand that a serious committed relationship requires compromise, but I will argue that the everyday of a relationship is what kills it. When do you actually have time to miss the person with whom you may be in love? I have heard journalists quote specialist saying things like “not living together means that intimacy goes down.” Well I say to that, by not living together allows the couple to have spontaneous sex. Sure if honey goes off to work for eight hours sweet pea misses him all day, but you know what, I don’t want to see anyone right after work. I want to come home, regroup, relax and turn back into the ravishing creature honey fell in love with. Sure marriage can uncover horrible habits and the frequency of mood changes, but I don’t want to be bothered by that shit. I don’t want just all fun and games, trust me. If I am having a shit day at work or a crap time with my dad or the world may have made me angry for whatever reasons, I want him there to support me. If my grandpa dies I want him there. If I get a promotion, I want him there. When my kid graduates I may want him there. I want to vacation with him, sometimes. (No boys allowed for at least two mini-breaks taken in a calendar year). I want to provide the same to him.
Who says we have to be under the same roof to provide those things to each other? Oh wait, does someone’s god say I must do that…well, then that is your belief system. But the religious marriage has no place to say what marriage should be in a world where government gets involved.
I hear so many married couples say things like, “We never do anything anymore.” Well what’s the point when you see each other every day? Isn’t the point of doing something together an excuse to see each other and enjoy each other?
The worst part is for the single gals. We become the threat because we look like we are having all the fun in the world, when really most of them want the married life. Not me, though. I like the idea of honey living in another house. I like the idea of getting excited to see him in three days. And it’s not like I am saying no communication between visits. You have to communicate, but did anyone think that maybe it was the act of everyday that killed the marriage, or maybe we should take marriage more seriously and not feel like we have to enter into a union before the age of thirty.
The single gal is left to be made as bad because she’s fun, vibrant and loves life (or at least appears to be) the attraction of the unknown as opposed to the familiar. When really the threat of a marriage being at risk, was probably already there. We are just the excuse. I respect the band. If a man says he is married, then he may leave. I won’t mess with someone’s marriage. Who am I kidding, I won’t mess with someone’s relationship, it’s not cool. If a couple decided to be exclusive that should be respected. And if a couple decides to be exclusive in different locations that should be respected too. If a person says they are willing to make a commitment, shouldn’t they be allowed to figure out what that commitment should look like for them? If I can get a custom made couch, specific to every want and desire, then why am I not allowed to apply that to relationships? People are not couches, I understand that, but like-minds are hard to come by and everyone deserves to find someone they can feel good around. The “have-to-do” mentality in relationships has got to stop! It’s overwhelming and unfair.
It is ok to not be married by twenty-five. It is ok to not be married by thirty-five. It is ok to not be married by forty-five. Nothing is wrong with you. If you have to change yourself and compromise yourself, then what’s the point? I understand some compromise may be ok; honey may like horror films while you prefer a chick flick, that’s an ok compromise, and besides any excuse to cuddle up on honey’s shoulder is a good one right?
Positive, healthy relationships can enhance our life in beautiful ways. Having the desire to achieve that is totally normal. Thinking that once you have that it will never change is completely naïve. As people we are constantly learning, observing and growing, hopefully in positive ways. Finding a companion that will bring all of these qualities should be the point of being in a relationship. To expect someone to be exactly as we met them, the rest of our lives is ridiculous. I love learning new information about someone I have known twenty years. Aren’t we always being told not to lay all our cards out on the first date anyway?
Who says we have to be under the same roof to provide those things to each other? Oh wait, does someone’s god say I must do that…well, then that is your belief system. But the religious marriage has no place to say what marriage should be in a world where government gets involved.
I hear so many married couples say things like, “We never do anything anymore.” Well what’s the point when you see each other every day? Isn’t the point of doing something together an excuse to see each other and enjoy each other?
The worst part is for the single gals. We become the threat because we look like we are having all the fun in the world, when really most of them want the married life. Not me, though. I like the idea of honey living in another house. I like the idea of getting excited to see him in three days. And it’s not like I am saying no communication between visits. You have to communicate, but did anyone think that maybe it was the act of everyday that killed the marriage, or maybe we should take marriage more seriously and not feel like we have to enter into a union before the age of thirty.
The single gal is left to be made as bad because she’s fun, vibrant and loves life (or at least appears to be) the attraction of the unknown as opposed to the familiar. When really the threat of a marriage being at risk, was probably already there. We are just the excuse. I respect the band. If a man says he is married, then he may leave. I won’t mess with someone’s marriage. Who am I kidding, I won’t mess with someone’s relationship, it’s not cool. If a couple decided to be exclusive that should be respected. And if a couple decides to be exclusive in different locations that should be respected too. If a person says they are willing to make a commitment, shouldn’t they be allowed to figure out what that commitment should look like for them? If I can get a custom made couch, specific to every want and desire, then why am I not allowed to apply that to relationships? People are not couches, I understand that, but like-minds are hard to come by and everyone deserves to find someone they can feel good around. The “have-to-do” mentality in relationships has got to stop! It’s overwhelming and unfair.
It is ok to not be married by twenty-five. It is ok to not be married by thirty-five. It is ok to not be married by forty-five. Nothing is wrong with you. If you have to change yourself and compromise yourself, then what’s the point? I understand some compromise may be ok; honey may like horror films while you prefer a chick flick, that’s an ok compromise, and besides any excuse to cuddle up on honey’s shoulder is a good one right?
Positive, healthy relationships can enhance our life in beautiful ways. Having the desire to achieve that is totally normal. Thinking that once you have that it will never change is completely naïve. As people we are constantly learning, observing and growing, hopefully in positive ways. Finding a companion that will bring all of these qualities should be the point of being in a relationship. To expect someone to be exactly as we met them, the rest of our lives is ridiculous. I love learning new information about someone I have known twenty years. Aren’t we always being told not to lay all our cards out on the first date anyway?
The Curse of the Empowered Woman
I have been an avid Women’s Libber since I can remember. Always preaching about how important equality is to create and maintain an effective and successful society. My mother always showed us through actions how important strength and competence was to society, especially after my father had a stroke and was hospitalized for what felt like years.
The notion of becoming someone’s wife and popping out babies before accomplishing anything or even to go as far as to say given up accomplishments to be a wife and mother was not on my menu for life. Being a strong empowered woman comes at a price that is either talked about all the time or never talked about at all. It comes in waves.
But today, I must say, I learned a very valuable lesson.
For months I have been struggling with the typical issues. I’m single and some days are harder to deal with it than others. I am a full time employee. I am a part time college student. And above all else, I am a mother.
I quickly learned that I had to be self sufficient. I wasn’t about being the best at everything, but I certainly wanted to make the top five. The strength I have, the discipline and dedication I have to all of my projects in life, I have come to realize are a threat. I don’t need a boss to come in and fix every minor detail or problem; I can figure that on my own. I don’t always need a study group in school, I like studying by myself just fine. While parenting can be exhausting, the best method has proven to be effectively executed by me and me alone. I have learned to be self-sufficient and within that my strength is overflowing.
But let’s not kid, I am vulnerable. Anytime I am put down, I immediately become angered by the fact that my accomplishments always seem to be ignored. A woman cannot live on self-validation. It’s not possible to always be one’s own cheerleader. Once in awhile, I need someone else’s shoulder to cry on, or to lean on. Once in awhile I need someone to tell me I am doing a good job, whether it is at work, in school, or as a mom.
My lesson is this: Thank you Women’s Lib movement for making me realize I would much rather be a stay at home mom than be treated like shit by people who don’t even matter.
After I made this realization, I did some much needed thinking. If I don’t work hard and do what I am doing, then I am failing in all respects. People will always be threatened by those who have it together. I am in a generation that has been given the right to choose after many generations before fought for that right. But the choices have evolved. Instead of one choice we have many. If a woman wants to be at home with her kids that should be seen as an incredible and amazing decision. If a woman chooses to work and be mommy, that too deserves praise.
The notion of becoming someone’s wife and popping out babies before accomplishing anything or even to go as far as to say given up accomplishments to be a wife and mother was not on my menu for life. Being a strong empowered woman comes at a price that is either talked about all the time or never talked about at all. It comes in waves.
But today, I must say, I learned a very valuable lesson.
For months I have been struggling with the typical issues. I’m single and some days are harder to deal with it than others. I am a full time employee. I am a part time college student. And above all else, I am a mother.
I quickly learned that I had to be self sufficient. I wasn’t about being the best at everything, but I certainly wanted to make the top five. The strength I have, the discipline and dedication I have to all of my projects in life, I have come to realize are a threat. I don’t need a boss to come in and fix every minor detail or problem; I can figure that on my own. I don’t always need a study group in school, I like studying by myself just fine. While parenting can be exhausting, the best method has proven to be effectively executed by me and me alone. I have learned to be self-sufficient and within that my strength is overflowing.
But let’s not kid, I am vulnerable. Anytime I am put down, I immediately become angered by the fact that my accomplishments always seem to be ignored. A woman cannot live on self-validation. It’s not possible to always be one’s own cheerleader. Once in awhile, I need someone else’s shoulder to cry on, or to lean on. Once in awhile I need someone to tell me I am doing a good job, whether it is at work, in school, or as a mom.
My lesson is this: Thank you Women’s Lib movement for making me realize I would much rather be a stay at home mom than be treated like shit by people who don’t even matter.
After I made this realization, I did some much needed thinking. If I don’t work hard and do what I am doing, then I am failing in all respects. People will always be threatened by those who have it together. I am in a generation that has been given the right to choose after many generations before fought for that right. But the choices have evolved. Instead of one choice we have many. If a woman wants to be at home with her kids that should be seen as an incredible and amazing decision. If a woman chooses to work and be mommy, that too deserves praise.
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